I'm tired. Normally I would use this space to share my journey with crystals, Tibetan Buddhism, Reiki and all sorts of other holistic and spiritual stuff. And I love doing it, but sometimes life hands you a situation that just needs to be addressed out loud. I will start this story off with:
Many years ago, I was married. The man I married then is not the man I have to deal with today. We had two beautiful daughters and life was okay. He went into the Navy to better our situation, and well, it did but it didn't. As any military wife will tell you, you spend more time apart than together. But, I supported him and his choice and I was proud of him. There was a point, I think it was around the time after my Dad had passed that we grew apart and I was having to face some very real realities. He was just about done with the Navy and had no idea what he was going to do when the time came. I had to look at our two daughters and figure out what the hell to do. We were divorced in 2005, I took the two girls and moved in with my mom and sister and at the time my brother. He got a job out in Arizona and he went out there. So, for a time he kept in constant contact with the girls, which I encouraged, I never once told him that he couldn't talk to them or see them. The only sticking point was and has been the child support. At the divorce hearing the judge changed the amount and it was more than what was originally thought. Of course the first person he blamed was me. Now bear in mind, I did not ask for spousal support of any kind. All I wanted was enough to make sure the girls had everything they needed. I didn't ask the judge to increase the amount. I explained it to him, but, it fell on deaf ears. Now, let's fast forward to now. He has since re-married and lives in Canada. Left the job he had in Arizona and moved with no other employment lined up. He is currently going to school, which, hey, that's great! I have no issues with his marriage or going to school. What I do have an issue with is: two months have passed since I have received any child support, repeatedly asking him to at least email me if there is some kind of issue, having to tell the girls, "No, no money this week" which means no grocery shopping or getting whatever it is they need, he has ceased all contact with them, and I damn tired of plastering a smile on my face and walking through his BS because he still sees me as the bad guy!
Now, don't get me wrong, when I was working it at least gave me some money to get the girls whatever they needed. It was not my choice to stop working, but the reality is, working is not an option, ever. As much as I want to go back to work, it would do more harm than good. So, okay, I have accepted that and moved on. I decide to do the one thing I know how to do: make malas and jewelry to sell. I am in the process of updating my online shop and using Facebook for my business. But to build a business takes time. I know this, I keep plugging away and trying to stay focused and upbeat for the sake of my family. But right now I am tired, tired of facing each day knowing that if I wanted to order a pizza I can't. Tired of biting my tongue and holding in what I am feeling. Tired of looking at my youngest, who has had so much to deal with, struggle with the reality that her farther is not in contact with us and will not make the attempt.
Yes, I am tired........
