Do You Have Enough?

     Some times, I have to ask myself that. It's not about possessions or money, it's about patience and understanding. Lately this seems to be my mantra. My youngest child has been going through a rough patch, she has depression and social/separation anxiety. Since December we have been going back and forth to the doctor and doing counseling. In the midst of all of this we have had to deal with school issues on top of that and trying to find the right medication for her so she will feel better. It has been overwhelming at times. It's made me question myself as a mother, you know, how did I let this happen? Why didn't I see the warning signs? All of those nasty little thoughts ran through my mind.

     As someone who lives with depression, I know how hard it can be to function on a daily basis. Never mind being a teenager and trying to find out who you are on top of it. I am not ashamed to say that I take two medications to manage my depression and anxiety. The medication is what makes it possible for me to function like a normal human being and live my life to the fullest.  I want that for my youngest. I want her to be able to feel good and start living her life like she should be. Not trapped in a dark depression that robs her of enjoying things like she use to. 

    Through out the many sessions I have gone to with her, the thoughts that ran through my mind is: "I need to have plenty of patience and compassion. This is going to be long bumpy road for us, but we will get through it." I always have to keep that in mind as I deal with the numerous appointments, melt-downs, and medications. Sometimes it is easy, and sometimes it is not. On the days that it is not I try to find glimpses of hope in her. I remind myself that having patience and compassion is a vital part of being a parent. 

    What keeps me going through all of this is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. As long as I keep showing her patience and compassion and love she will keep fighting. Right now, that in itself is enough for me. We will keep on slaying each dragon as it comes. 

                                               Until next time,

                                                      C.C.    

Living with a Malignant Disease

     I live with a malignant brain tumor. No it is not cancerous, but it will never really go away either. I had surgery to remove it back in 2013, the surgery was successful, then went through six weeks of radiation and a year of chemo. I go every other month to Dana Farber in Boston for MRI's and to check in with my neuro oncologist. They monitor me very closely because I am young and it is unusual for some one my age to have this kind of tumor. So, having this has put a lot in perspective for me. Each day is a gift, my children are my happiness, I appreciate my family and friends even more. Things that at one time would have been frustrating and upsetting are now not as major or upsetting. I have become stronger both spiritually and personally. 

     The down side to all of this is knowing that at some point the tumor will return. We don't know when, not even my neuro oncologist can say. I live with this now every day. I try to stay upbeat and positive for family and friends. I have my good days and my bad days. I tell myself that it could have been a lot worse than what it was. My doctors have all been very happy with how well I have done so far. That in and of itself gives me a small ray of hope that maybe someday there will be a cure for it. For now, I keep going forward and trying to make the best life I can with this that I have been given. I wake up grateful each day that I am here and alive. I take it one day at a time, one moment at time. 

    To say that I am not afraid is an understatement. I do not live in fear, I live my life to the fullest and to the happiest I can. I have become a healer and my mission is to help heal those who need it. In this capacity I know that I can at least change some one else's life. I can put things in better perspective, I am more tolerant and forgiving of others. I do have a better sense of self peace and that in and of itself has helped me to face this battle in the long run.