Many moons ago, I was a practicing solitary Witch. Hard to imagine how I got from there to where I am now: a Tibetan Buddhist. Well, actually it isn't very hard to imagine from my point. You see, I was young and full of ego and thought "I know it all!" in actuality I didn't. As I got older and saw what I was really doing I realized that being a solitary Witch was not all it was cracked up to be. Any one who is familiar with the Pagan community in general knows that some times there is a lot of ego running around. I'm not going to say all Pagans and Witches are ego maniacs, they are not. But I got to a point where I felt oddly out of place. I had been searching for a place to fit in, and realized that I didn't fit in anywhere. My last ditch effort was a very exclusive group, that seemed like a good fit. Until the High Priestess decided she didn't like me and I left on my own accord. So, I was going over these things in my mind and one particular memory stood out: I was taking some college courses quite a few years back, and I fancied myself an important "Witch". In fact my ego filled my head, and I may have said things that I wish I could take back now! I was in fact a snot head. I was running my mouth without thinking and without checking my ego at the door. Yes, I was bragging and not listening to myself. Now when I think back to that one moment, I cringe: what an egotistical snot head you were!
The one thing I learned after being diagnosed with the brain tumor is that sickness doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter what faith you belong to, or what god you pray to. So in short, my past wasn't going to help me and my future was very uncertain. I couldn't go back to what I was. After the disastrous "group" experience I was hesitant to go there again. I no longer felt like a Witch or a pagan, I was in a sense lost. I had to face a very scary diagnosis and I had to accept the fact that I was not going to come out on the other end the same as I was before.
I think the first time I looked at Buddhism I was not sure what it was about. What was the difference between Theravada and Mahayana? How do I tell my mind to be quite when I meditate? Do I need to meditate four hours a day? And then, the A-HA moment hit: You need to get out of your own head space and get passed your own ego to experience what Buddhism truly is. Everything that I had learned as a Witch/Pagan had to be left at the door. I had put it behind me for some time, so seeing it completely put away didn't hurt. The hard work was yet to come. After doing a lot of reading and research, I came to the conclusion that I flowed better with Mahayana than with Theravada. I was absolutely astounded by the Dalia Lama and started reading his books. Things began to fall into place as I battled the brain tumor crisis. Spiritually I was in a better space, and my snot head ego was slowly being silenced. I won't lie, it is still a work in progress, as we all are!
The giving over of my past was both healing and therapeutic for me. I started to realize that I needed more that just spells, incantations, and ritual. I had to be present, in the moment and see that moment. I have yet to find a Sangha, but for now I am okay with that. I still have healing work and Reiki so I am not alone at all. If nothing, I have learned that if you do not get out of your own head space and ego, you will miss the bigger picture and life will whack you one to make you see it!
Until next time.
C.C.
The Crystal Catalyst is about my journey as I train and work with crystals and Reiki. A major life shift caused me to re-evaluate my place in the world, I never saw myself as a healer, but here I am, are you ready to journey with me through crystals and art, to find your healing?
